-Trey Songz
“I know you been so through with me
You put up with my foolery
I guess you got so use to me
And my infidelity
And through the bad you saw the better man in me
You picked me up every time they put me down”
Me 4 U by Trey Songz literally describes what I dealt with. You give a pass once and it’s almost like you’ve accepted it honestly.
The ultimate demise of our marriage was purely infidelity. When I say I could’ve withstood almost anything……, consistent cheating, just wasn’t one of them. Listen.. We were young, I think I was 21 and he was 23 when we started dating. I was 24 and he was 26 when we got married and we both had a lot of growing up to do. We both had an infidelity issue in 2014 that we agreed to forward from, so I thought. He loved the attention he received from other women, and here I am cheating to get back at him. We both had a talk that other people weren’t what we wanted and we wanted to make the shit work. A year later, here comes a ring..thinking we were completely past the B.S we had dealt with the year prior. 2016 comes and we have a beautiful wedding.. LEGIT everything I dreamed of. I dropped out of college in 2013 and went back in 2016. Purely because I just didn’t want to go school anymore. Once we got married I knew I wanted a better life for the both of us.
I enrolled in school, went to school in the AM and worked in the PM. Most days not getting home until almost 11:30 P.M. Throughout this entire process I knew that my husband was home, and cheering me on, so I thought. We face timed multiple times per day, we talked on the phone and he would come to my job to spend time with me. Knowing that he was bored, lonely, and me feeling guilty for neglecting him, I would try to find different ways to make up for it. I would buy random gifts, cook, take us on trips, come up with new bedroom ideas, just ANYTHING to keep him happy until I could finish school.
Around November of 2016 I quit my job so that I was able to focus on school since my grades started to slack. Idk if I truly didn’t pay him attention because I was working so much but now that I had free time, I began to notice little shit. His phone went wherever he went, if he did leave it, it was always faced down. He became very short with me, not too much conversation, always playing the game, constantly “going out with co workers” and catching random attitudes. One day I said…Hmmm let me just ask him for his phone. I didn’t go through his phone and he knew that, so me asking for it was a complete shock to him. He handed it to me, I unlocked it and he snatched it back. From that moment I knew.. Our marriage would never be the same.
Ladies and gentlemen…. why do we stay after there has been infidelity? Is a relationship truly salvageable after infidelity has taken place? Can you fully trust again?
ənrəˈlen(t)iNG tro͞oTH 
We stay because we are afraid of starting over, finding a new comfort zone, and it’s always that feeling that your man will become the best man he can be to the next chick, and all that molding you put in will be in vain for you but a gain for the next. Will you ever fully trust again I think so but it definitely take drastic measure so show that things are going to be different and that this won’t be a habitual problem. It takes both parties to fully makes things work. And if one party isn’t helping then you might as well forget because then separation will start and as things become distant, little arguments will blow up into big arguments and next thing you know resentment will start kicking it. You have to fix that infidelity issue as soon as it happens, don’t let it linger on because it will only get worst. If you took that trust from a person, you have to work over time to put back from you took. You may look at it as I messed up the trust but actually to your partner you took trust, pride, dignity, and sanity among other things. You have to put all those things back into a person to fully recover from cheating.
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Why are we SO afraid of losing someone that doesn’t want to be kept lol! I think that was the hardest part for me to get. When someone blatantly shows you that THIS is not what they want! Why the hell can’t we just say ok I’m done! That’s something that has hurt me so badly til this day! I have literally sold myself short!!
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Honestly I feel like everything takes time. Yes a you can go back after infidelity. But not right back. I got married when I was 24. We were together for 4 years prior to that I found out he cheated(badly). I was heart broken devastated kicked him out. We were broken up for a good 8 months called off the engagement only talked when it concerned the kids. No sex(of he was trying everything he could to get back with me) once I felt like I was able to talk to him about repairing our family. We got back together and we were working on us. During that time I didn’t feel like myself it took me almost a year for me to regain trust in him again. Once we got back together I cheated.(not sex but just entertaining, responding to dms, conversation) at that moment he knew that I was capable of doing everything that he did to me. N that he could really loose me he did a complete 360. He changed in ways that I never knew he could. Was it right for me to cheat back? No. But after that everything was perfect the following year he proposed to me again and a few months later we were married and have been for about 3 years now. Everything is perfect. We are definitely a team now. If a man wants to change he will. My husband had to see exactly what he lost and what he could possibly loose if he ever tried it again. It takes time but if he wants you and is afraid of loosing you he will do whatever it takes to keep you.
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Wow!! I think the one thing I noticed out of all of this is that even though it took a while to get back in a good space, you BOTH wanted to make it work! That is something I can honestly say was never the case for me. I wanted it and he didn’t and there’s no way it can work in a one sided relationship. I’m happy you two found your way back because not a lot of couples can say that!! I hope God continues to bless your union!! Thank you for this!!
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I have never KNOWINGLY stayed haver someone has cheated & I’ve never cheated myself… after I been cheated on… BYE … but from your story…you both did it… but both talked about it as adults and placed trust back into one another… he just didn’t honor that trust… and it sucks. Sucks when you feel like you can’t trust the one you love.
Like me… I’m in a relationship now, we’ve both been completely faithful, yet I don’t have 100% trust in his faithfulness to me… and Idk why. Maybe because of my past? Maybe my own insecurities? I really have no clue… but still it sucks.
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We stay because of many different reasons rather it’s scared to start over, not wanting to be with someone else seriously or not even wanting them to have someone else . Cheating in a marriage is different than a relationship you ask me . In a marriage you take a vow before God , where in a relationship it’s a commitment between you and you can most of the time work it out . I rather have my spouse tell me they need someone else and it’s an open discussion before they cheat on me . I want to be able to make the choice on if it’s something I can deal with or if it will be a deal breaker. I rather have a 3 way honestly before you cheat one me 🤷🏾♀️
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